


Helping Lister

by DivineVarod



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Angst and Humor, Closeted Character, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, Growing Up, Holly - Freeform, Lister's dad, Longing, M/M, Misunderstandings, Pre-Slash, Sacrifice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-12
Updated: 2016-03-12
Packaged: 2018-05-26 03:10:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6221224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DivineVarod/pseuds/DivineVarod
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All Rimmer wants  to do is is help Lister. Sadly the way he does it only drives the Scouser round the bend – until he realises what it is that Rimmer is actually trying to do for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Helping Lister

“Rimmer, what the smeg is wrong with ya?!” Lister wailed.

For the last smeg knew how long the Hologram had been insufferable. Lister felt as if a glitch in Rimmer's programming had regressed him back to the smeghead he had known the first few months after leaving Stasis. In fact it was worse as this time Rimmer was not just focussed on rules and regulations but on Lister. He was focussed on Lister 24/7.

The Hologram followed him everywhere, talking, advising whining, complaining and jotting down things in a notebook. Everywhere! The only place he hadn't followed him to (yet) was the toilet and the Scouser wondered how long that would last.

Rimmer made notes of what Lister ate, when he slept, how long he slept, where he walked and how long and at the end of the day often tried to entice him into a discussion about it (which Lister usually declined in an impolite way.) 

Lister felt self-conscious and angry at the same time. Why did Rimmer have this sudden bizarre interest in him and his lifestyle and why would he make notes about it?

Because of Rimmer's extraordinary behaviour Lister soon found himself bickering with the Hologram day in day out. He wasn't happy with the situation as he'd grown used to the odd friendship he and Rimmer had forged over the years. He noticed that, oddly, Rimmer didn't seem happy either. In fact, the Hologram looked tired more than anything else – sad even, when he thought Lister wasn't looking. That made his actions seem all the more unusual.

\---

The Hologram's main focus was the alcohol: how much did Lister drink, when did he start, what did he drink? How drunk did he feel, how did it affect him? He tried to stop Lister getting drinks, tried to remind him of the amount of alcohol in certain mixes and generally kept going on and on about alcohol abuse and long term damage to body and mind.

On and on it went until that morning when the slowly ticking time bomb burst.

Lister had been looking for his beer all morning. All his stach had disappeared. He always had one bear after breakfast, he craved it others crave coffee. Then Rimmer had strode into the bunkroom to announce cheerily that he'd put an end to Lister's drinking habits for good. Immediately Lister felt a fear creep into the pit of his stomach, followed by anger.

“What did you do?” Lister groaned.

“We have hid it where you'll never find it.”

“If it's on this ship I will!!”

A huge grin spread on Rimmer's face.

“That is why it isn't!” Rimmer exclaimed proudly, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

“Wha? What the smegging smeg did ya do, you smegger?”

“We have shot your whole stash out of an airlock last night. You will have to go cold turkey now Listy. It has gone, disappeared, vanished. It has evaporated. It has dissolved. It has perished!”

Lister gaped at the smug grin on Rimmer's face as he said it, looking sickeningly proud of his actions.

“You … you serious?” Lister asked deflated.

Rimmer nodded enthusiastically.

“Oh, I am indeed. It is no more, squire.”

Lister saw red. All his alcohol? The alcohol that had to last him the rest of his life? The alcohol he needed to get through the boring days? Why?  
Without knowing what he did he lifted his arm and Rimmer could only just get away in time, diving to the floor in immediate fear.

“Please don't hit me Listy!”

Despite his anger Lister controlled himself. He didn't punch people as a rule and the terror in Rimmer's voice was enough to stop him dead. He didn't want to hurt him, not even now.

He looked at Rimmer for a second, then a thought struck him. He turned away from him.

“You shouldn't have taken me alcohol man, damn.” He ended the sentence with a well placed teary sob.

“Lister …”

“Man, I don't think I can face you now – or ever again.”

“Lister …” Rimmer sighed. Lister turned round and looked at him. The Hologram suddenly looked awfully tired.  
  
“I didn't …”

Rimmer got up wearily as Lister grinned, he knew it.

“Didn't what?” He asked innocently.

“Didn't shoot it into space. It's in your clean clothes drawer.”

“I got a clean clothes drawer?”

“Oh you're taking the smeg.”

Lister grinned again.

“The rest of it is on Starbug.”

Lister shook his head. What was going on with that man? What had this whole thing been in aid of?

“Why would you be so stupid? I almost punched ya!”

Rimmer looked defeated.

“Just forget it.”

Rimmer sank on a chair, his head in his hands. Unsure how to respond to the Hologram's bizarre behaviour Lister decided to just go find his drinks.  
  
\---

Within minutes of finding his lager and sitting down with it in the canteen Rimmer was hovering next to him, again, a file tucked underneath his arm. Frustrated Lister opened a can.

“Now then Lister are we sure we want to do that this early?”

Lister groaned.

“Well, I can't speak for you, Arn, but I've made up me mind …”

To Lister's annoyance Rimmer sat down opposite him, staring at him.

“Rimmer …” Lister hissed through gritted teeth. “Why do you keep following me man? Don't you have hobbies of your own?”

Another smug smile.

“Just looking after you Listy. Let's have a chat, eh?”

Lister sighed and reached for his drink. Rimmer slapped his hand lightly.

“Tut, tut. No need for that.”

Lister groaned again.

“Rimmer, what?!”

Rimmer placed his file on the table. He stared at Lister intense and seriously.

“Your intake of alcohol has increased a lot over the last few years, miladdo.”

Lister frowned - “Miladdo?” it had been years since Rimmer had called him that, or "squire" come to think of it. The idea of a glitch in the Hologram's programming seemed even more likely now.

“It has reached worrying levels as has your cholestral chart. So I took it upon myself to create a rehab programme tailored to you that will give you all the highs of alcohol and all the joy of curry and fastfood without the dangers.”

“You having me on?”

Rimmer shook his head.

“No, it's all in here.” He patted his file. “It's all tailored to you but it will get you healthy ... in a fun way. Still, of course, it includes a few diet and rehab staples: good old fresh air, exercise, healthy living, nothing can beat it. Marvellous!”

Lister really felt Rimmer was taking the piss out of him now. He also felt insulted: was Rimmer calling him a fat and lazy alcoholic or something?

“Cut the crap man. It's a diet, it's rehab how can that be fun? Smeg of Rimmer.”

“Of course it can be fun. See, I took the ideas that famous nutritionists had for children and transported it onto you.”

“Oh, calling me a child now, Rimmer?”

Rimmer sighed.

“No Listy. Please listen. I did this for you. This is why I've been following you. I … I want to help you get healthy.”

Lister stared at the man in front of him and finally felt he'd had enough. What gave Rimmer the smegging right …?

“Why did you do it for me? That's what I like to know. No-one asked ya. It's me life, me body and I put in it whatever the smeg I like. Rimmer, why are you acting like ya only just met me? After all these years you should know that I'd rather eat the contents of the Cat's litter tray than do this!”

“Oh …”

Rimmer looked so utterly crushed after Lister's rant it nearly broke his heart. Obviously the Hologram had not been having him on and really was trying to be helpful.

“Sorry, sorry. You're right. It was stupid. Forget it. I ... I got it wrong ..."

“Oh hey ...”

“Could … could you at-least read it, Lister? Maybe there are a few things you do like …”

“Course man.”

Rimmer got up quickly and ran out of the room leaving Lister confused and feeling a bit like a heel but not sure why. If only he could understand the workings of Rimmer's strange mind.  
  
\---

Against his better judgement Lister opened the file and was surprised to find a work that looked as long as “War and Peace” inside. He decided to read the first page just to give Rimmer the impression of having read the thing.

 _“Helping Lister”_ the title page said.

“What the smeg?” Lister thought.

Instead of reading just the first page Lister now leafed through it all and found a carefully thought out, painstakingly researched neatly written diet, rehab and exercise plan complete with charts all build around him and his likes and dislikes.  
  
“It must have taken him ages …” he thought, while muttering “smeg …”  
  
So that really was why he'd been stuck to him like glue. He now wished he'd at-least let Rimmer explain himself to him before shutting him down like that.  
  
"Why can't that man just talk to me instead of acting like a complete nutter?" He wondered.

\---

“Why did ya do that?” Lister asked, after finding Rimmer in the Observation Dome.

“What?”

“Making this programme for me?”

“Because I lo …” Rimmer begun, caught of guard. He stopped, clenched his jaw and retracted. “Because I'm worried about you Listy. You're drinking more and more, you eat crap and you never walk or exercise. You're not getting any younger. I'm worried about something happening to you.”

This was new. Lister thought.

“You certainly put a lot of work in. There's some good stuff. Must have taken you ages!”

Rimmer scoffed.

“Three months. I tried to base it around things you like. As, contrary to what you just said, I do know you. And I am aware of the fact that you'd never do regular exercise or eat normal healthy food.”

This was a lot for Lister to digest. Rimmer worried about him and had spent the last three months thinking up ways to get him healthier?Things made a lot more sense now. He noticed all his anger had faded by now and he offered his crazy bunkmate an olive branch.

“I know. I saw. Ta. The curried rice salad actually sounds rather tasty.”

Rimmer took the branch, turned around and smiled.

“Really?”

“Yeah. No I'm not just saying that, man. I'm gonna ask Kryten to make me one soon. Also Karaokecise, nice one. You should publish this!”

“For whom? Overweight Gelfs?”

He turned away again. Lister knew Rimmer well enough to realise he thought he was being mocked. He went to stand by his side and rubbed the mans shoulder. It felt incredibly tense.

“Hey, stop being grumpy, man. I mean it. I'm really touched by what you did. I swear I'm gonna do some of that stuff. You can keep me to that and …” this was gonna be hard “... and … If ya really that worried about it I … I'm gonna drink less. Okay?”

Rimmer nodded thoughtfully.

“Promise?”

“I just did!”

“Really promise!”

“I really promise. In fact: I swear!”

“Good.”

Lister looked at Rimmer. The Hologram looked rigid with tension, his hands holding the rail in a death grip. There was more to all this and Lister was determined to find out what it was.

“I … I never knew you cared that much about me.”

Rimmer spun round to face him, his eyes big and intense.

“Of course I care you smegging gimboid!! You're all I have. I wanted to … but …” He shook his head, then turned around and waved him off. “They were right. I failed you.”

Lister was beginning to lose track of Rimmer's many mood swings.

“What? Who? When?”

“Always … Holly, she said …”

“No, not that again Rimmer.”

“Please. Listen. Holly didn't just ask me to keep you sane. She told me to challenge you. To rile you to keep your fighting spirit. I tried to bring that out the best I could. But I got so tired sometimes, so … lonely. All I truly wanted was to talk to you … be friends.”

“What?” Lister stared at him in stunned surprise, but Rimmer wasn't finished yet.

“So … when Kryten came along and the Cat was around more I tried to tone it down. You had others now, so maybe I could rest a bit, finally be with you normally. But you just begun ignoring me. I knew it was too late. Then when we got stuck on Starbug I felt I had to be the old Rimmer again to keep you going. But for some reason it didn't work anymore, just like this time.”

It took a while for Lister to process all this. Then he finally said:

“Rimmer … you're telling me you've been a git to help me?”

Rimmer nodded.

“Just because a senile computer told you so?”

Rimmer nodded again.

“And your dad.”

“Wha?”

“A few months ago when you were drunk your dad came out and told me that you needed the old Rimmer back. He said I was letting you down, that I was failing you and that you needed a kick up the but … so.”

“So that's why you've been insufferable? Rimmer. Could you stop taking advise from senile old gits?”

Rimmer half smiled.

“So … you don't want me to be like that?”

Lister shook his head.

“Rimmer, if it's at all possible I'd like you to be yourself. No matter what my dad says.”

“That's good. 'Cause I'm smegging exhausted.”

Rimmer released a long pent up sigh then he slowly faced Lister again.

“Lister … One thing though … All those years. Did I do it right? Did I … help you?”

One look in Rimmer's eyes told Lister everything. Kochanski had realised it long before he had and she had not even met him then:  
  
_“Maybe he sacrificed his happiness to keep you sane?”_  
  
 He had to get this right.

“Rimmer man, you are more than just a computer program keeping me sane, you silly smegger! You've been with me for longer then I've known anyone, ever. You helped me through the early days, were there for everything. I might have hated you at the start, but … You know, thinking about it later, Holly was right: your stupid rules and regulations were what got me through. But I don't need that anymore, I've grown up. I don't need to be challenged, I just need you."

“What are you saying Lister?”

“What I'm saying, you doofus, is: You can rest now Rimmer, you did it right. You did it right. Yes, I care about you and … yes, you are my friend.”

Rimmer looked at him as if he could not believe he had said this. There was also something else in the Hologram's eyes he could not place.

“I did it right …?” Rimmer muttered softly in amazement.

Seeing a tear slide down Rimmer's cheek Lister squeezed his friends shoulder again, then turned away, wanting to give Rimmer a chance to recover from all this in private. Just as suddenly he changed his mind again and turned back to envelop “his” Hologram in a bear hug.

“Stupid smeghead!” Lister hissed in Rimmer's ear, hiding his weepy eyes from him.

“Goit!” Rimmer retorted, hiding his equally wet eyes.

Unseen or heard by Lister Rimmer then whispered his final secret in Lister's curls, the reason behind everything he had done.  
  
“I love you.”


End file.
